The US government is spying on you! What do you do?

What is punk?

Let's be honest, we've all asked ourselves the question: what the hell is punk anyway?? Well after several years of extensive scientific research and hard work, I'm now pleased to bring you the world's second guide on how to be punk!

You came to this website for one reason only... you hate yourself and all of your friends hate you too. Probably most of your immediate and extended family hate you as well. And all of their friends. And your dog.

No more waiting... now is the time to change your sick, pathetic life. With the help of this guide, a lot of hard work on your part, and a lot of money probably, you will soon begin to see amazing results:

  • Women will find you more attractive.
  • You'll find a best friend who isn't imaginary.
  • Your dog will no longer defecate on your face while you sleep.

What the fuck are you waiting for?

Site news

  • Aug 26, 2010

    fuck you all

    guess what sluts, i just got back from vegas. oh, what fun i had.

    in other news, it's been a few months shy of a year since i answered any hate mail. why is this? because i just don't care. there's just to much of it too.

    hopefully i'll have some witty responses to poorly-written emails posted soon for my drooling fans to chuckle at, but i'm very important and busy so don't get your fucking hopes up. i'm sick of people coming to my website looking for a handout. besides, how many funny responses can i come with when all i get is "FUCK YOU punk inst abowt fashun YOU FAG!! im going to kill u!! i kno karate!! avril sucks!!!!"

    oh well. stay tuned, or i'll rip your balls off (yes, you do have them and i'm going to rip them off).
  • Jan 1, 2010

    beeets.com launch in santa cruz

    hai loyal fans! just launched a new event site, if you're from santa cruz (or the bay area) check out beeets.com. tell your ugly friends, too.

    oh yeah, happy new year.
  • Aug 26, 2009

    just kidding

    i pinged a few people and NOBODY likes the new design, really. well you dont have to tell me more than 100 times to get the point. so here's the old one, asswipes. IM STILL GOING TO REDESIGN THIS SITE. but the new design will be better, not worse! i promise...
  • Aug 23, 2009

    yessss...the new design is here

    Welcome to the new design. not what you were expecting, WAS IT?!

    as usual, i had to not only redesign, but completely reprogram everything (but its a small site so it only took a day or two).

    coming up in about a week (maybe) i'll have a section for listing punk shows.

    i also routed [email protected] (my main email for this site) to my personal email so maybe i'll actually start answering hate mails more than once every 4 months.

    sign the "gestbook" and let me know how much you love the new design.
  • Aug 21, 2009

    new site coming

    after about three or four years of stagnation, this site is about due for some changes.

    unfortunately, i will be going the way of the sellout and doing a light (as in NOT dark) design.

    there will also be a section solely dedicated to upcoming punk shows (hopefully, REAL punk shows, not that circle jerks type gibberish.

    soo, stay tuned. some of you will like the new design, some will hate it, but that's the story of this site, cocksuckers. live with it.
  • Mar 2, 2009

    beeets.com launch

    My company has finally (after several months) launched our startup beeets.com! It's an event search engine that lets you find events based on your interests.

    Unfortunately, there are no EVENTS on there yet, but sign up and post a few punk shows. thx lol
  • Feb 27, 2009

    hahaha

    niiice. http://www.adbusters.org/magazine/79/hipster.html hits the nail on the head. i hope no hipsters look at MY site...
  • Jan 16, 2009

    HTBP now a proud sponsor of avrillavigne.com!!

    that's right! all the proceeds i make from ad revenue on this website are now being donated directly to avril lavigne's website!

    im such a devoted fan that i couldnt stand by and watch as she puts out record after record without doing my part.

    thanks for kicking so much ass avril, and keep up the good work!
  • Jan 16, 2009

    uh oh

    what the fuck is wrong with all of my 14-year old demographic? i havent gotten a single fucking hate mail in over a month.

    can everyone in the world finally be wise to me?! its not possible...

    i cant believe i have to find a new way to piss off morons :(
  • Jan 14, 2009

    News articles and other fun

    Check out my latest creation, Kill the Radio for news, links back to this site, and a blog on web startups.
  • Dec 12, 2008

    Capitalizing Gains, Socializing Losses

    Normally I don't write this in news, but since my rants are all retarded and this is actually important, it goes on the home page.

    As some of you may know, the Auto industry bailout failed today. As much as I respect the workers in the industry and all they've done to make this country great in the past, I now have to say "good riddance."

    Hear me out. It's nothing personal against the poor guy/gal who loses the job. It's something personal against the industry. It seems these people, instead of marketing the "go green" crowd and also lending a hend to fix our environmental problem, have marketed the average fat lazy american fuck...a large but waning group. Instead of making quality vehicles that last for over 10 years like their Asian counterparts, they make cheap crap with shitty components that's bound to fail (and bound to make you need a new car in 2 years).

    So because the auto industry has fucked themselves, my tax dollars go into saving their stupid sorry asses? Because they can't change with the times and because they market all this "I'm an American, so I should have a huge car" bullshit, we the people have to essentially buy all of their worthless stock BUT NEVER SEE A RETURN?

    Fuck that. The auto industry didn't die because of the economy. It died because it needed to. It died because they've consistently done everything wrong for a long time now, and it finally caught up. And I'm sorry, but I missed the part where that's my problem.

    You may say, "but we're all in this together!" I say, "bullshit, we're in it for ourselves...until we need $80 billion here or $14 billion there." Do these corporations give up billions in profits just to help the economy? Do they save impoverished families on a day to day basis? NO. They are selfish entities run by greedy investors, and they couldn't give less of a shit about your average hard working American, despite their clever advertising campaigns.

    Those investors don't deserve a single cent of our hard earned tax dollars. This is America, land of the free. You are free to run your business how you like, and also free to go bankrupt when you run your business into the ground. You are free to ask for a handout when YOU need it, but we're free to say "No, go fuck yourself." I'm glad we finally exercised our freedom for the first time in 8 years.

    Not to mention, it wouldn't stop with the auto industry. Who's next? The airlines? I wonder how much they'd want. Then the next industry. Then the next. It would turn into a spending frenzy, bankrolled by you and me, without ever seeing a sliver of ownership in a company we bought up.

    I feel horrible for those losing their jobs. I really do. My fear and prediction is that if we spent the money on the bailout, the auto industry would be in the same spot 10 years later. This isn't a problem with the economy...it's a problem with poor business practices. That's not something I want my tax dollars "investing" in.

    And this brings me to my final point. A good friend mentioned that what's happening in America now is "capitalizing gains, socializing losses" (thanks Alex). It's so true. When a corporation does great, they keep it all to themselves. But when the chips are down, suddenly it's America's responsibility to give a private organization billions of dollars that we won't ever see again? Such an enticing offer.

    Thanks, but no thanks.

    andrew
  • Dec 11, 2008

    how much suck

    "yeah, is this gonna suck the whole time, or is this, like, the only part that sucks? i just wanna gauge how much suck i have to fricken sit through..." - Dermott Fictel, The Venture Bros [Jul. 09, 2008].
  • Nov 22, 2008

    hey cocksuckers

    i finally did something about the home page being useless, since like half the people who came here left within 10 seconds, or so claims google analytics.

    learning how to be punk has NEVER been easier than now!

    oh yeah, i finally checked my derrp@howtobepunk email for the first time in about 3 months. most of it was actually love mail from horny women. the rest is posted in hatemail.
  • Jun 19, 2008

    sup sluts

    haven't been on here much lately, life is much more interesting than this site, but i moved hosting services because the previous one was fucking shitty.

    now everything's on Nearly Free Speech hosting. These guys are fucking great, so if you need a host who won't drop your site because it has the phrase "fuck shit anal gonad cunt lick scrotum suck" on it, go there
  • Oct 18, 2007
    new haitmales!! like 500 of em. i finally checked my email.
  • Jun 27, 2007

    Thanks, Cosmo

    Thanks to my buddy and co-worker Cosmo, I no longer have to look in more than one place to get the surf report. and guess what...NEITHER DO YOU!!! (assuming you live in or near Santa Cruz)
  • May 19, 2007

    lyke, LaWLz!!

    yay rant commenting is back. gee wiz, was i ever bored tonight.
  • Mar 25, 2007
    rants are back. check it.
  • Mar 2, 2007

    fuck me harder

    i added some new / very old hatemails. check em out.
  • Feb 18, 2007

    Sup sluts

    Did a big change. It's one of those things that nobody fucking notices though.

    In better news, Santa Cruz got some killer swell today and I was doing pretty fierce at Indicator. Fun shit

    Contest:
    i took down rants. whats the point, im never angry anymore. so you dipshits think of something you want on the site, and ill add it (if it doesnt suck). post your ideas in the guestbook

  • Sep 17, 2006
    R.I.P. Steve
  • Jan 15, 2006
    As some of you may have noticed, I added a new section called "Rants". It's for my writing/social commentary stuff. I might post some of my old stuff on there. You can comment on the posts. I thought it would be fun to make feedback easy, so I set up a commenting thing. I've been working a shitload on the site lately, fixing old code and junk. It doesn't LOOK any better, but I sure FEEL better about it, and I'm sure you all do too.
  • Jan 7, 2006
    Hell yeah, new section...Anarcho Vegan Punk! It still needs a little work, but since it's mostly finished, I might as well put it up. It's pretty brutal, so it's best not to read it if you're really an anarchist. Hehe.
  • Dec 31, 2005
    Sup lovebugs...lyke OMFG it's 4:05 am LOLZ! I've been fucking with the site ALLL NIGHT. The results are the attempt (pretty successful actually) to convert my site from static html to a new CSS-based design. Expect to see some more changes in the next week or so. Expect a new punk guide SOON too, maybe even two if I smoke lots some lonely night and do some vigorous writing. Kill yourself! Oh yeah, I won't be around to say it tomorrow most likely, so HAPPY NEW YEAR.
  • Dec 16, 2005
    Yesss, a flood of hatemail has come in recently. Here's the story: So I woke up this morning and decided to check my email before a shitty morning of surfing, if you can call it that. Something catches my eye while browsing over my barrage of FREE VIAGRA emails. At first it seemed like nothing, but a closer look revealed that, yes, I had mail in my junk mail...10 new messages. I clicked on junk mail and what do you think all 10 messages were? That's right...females of all age spectrums (but most frequently below 15) propositioning me for hardcore sex. They cleverly hid their pleas for fornication under the guise of actually hating me! So comes my newest theory: All hate mail comes from horny teenage girls who want to fuck me. Sadly to say, most of them are either jailbait or pimply greasy blobs of saliva-spewing lard, but keep the "hate" mail coming ladies.
  • Nov 11, 2005
    Hells yes! I had a cooler design, but I decided to scrap it and go simpler because SOME of you, so I was informed, do not use 1280x960 resolution like me. Obviously there's something wrong with you. Well, I tried to make the site accessible to everyone, but it turned out to be such a pain in the ass that I gave up and decided to go simpler. Now that I know php, I made my own guestbook and redid the hate mail section. Now I don't have to depend on some shitty ass website to hear from my fans how funny and intelligent I am. Enjoy. Have suggestions/comments about the new design? Email me: [email protected]
  • Aug 21, 2005
    sup sluts. get ready for a nice BIG change in website layout. ive been working my tail off recently. not because i care much about this site, more for a leap into the world of web design. everything will be designed by ME with, of course, some help from my website design guru brother. for once since the beginning of this site, im spending lots of time on it. now when people say "its pathetic you spent this much time making this site", it will actually be justified!! but guess what, i didnt care then, and i dont care now. im doing this for my own selfish reasons, not for my fans. they can rot in hell. just kidding, you guys know i love you.
  • Jul 8, 2005
    So yeah, I'm all set up in SC now. The guestbook doesnt work, but who the fuck ever used it anyway? Feel free to send me money or booze or weed, since i have not much of any of them. Aaron got caught by the way, you fucking shitheads didnt wish him enough luck. ill fucking kill all of you. oh yeah, and if any women in sc want to have sex with me, just apply here in three easy steps! Application.
  • Jun 21, 2005
    Yeah, it's been a while so I figured I'd give an update. I'm sorta half-assedly working on a kickass new design, it's not going so well though. Umm I've gotten lots of requests for crusty satire, so it'll probably come sometime. But yeah, I've been really busy lately so don't expect anything anytime soon. I'm moving to santa cruz in exactly one week. Oh yeah, everyone wish Aaron luck. Do it.
  • Mar 24, 2005
    Fuck yes. I, being the complete and undisputed genious that I am, got my scanner going again. So there is now new art uploaded and more art will follow, so keep your ever-so-interested eyes peeled for new shit.
  • Mar 24, 2005

    POPE ALIVE?!

    Not but just a few days ago the pope was declared dead. Today, though, according to a 5 year old boy who works in the vatican, the pope got up, walked over to the papal refrigerator, got a glass of holy orange juice, and after drinking it, returned to his bed where he then layed back down and died once again (confirmed by the little X's where his eyes used to be). There is much controversy surrounding whether he is dead, in a vegetative state, ressurected by god, or possessed by satan. A recent poll showed that 99% of Americans think the pope should be shot in the head "Just to make sure". Then another argument broke out...just how many times should he be shot him in the head? The liberal side argued that we should conserve resources and just shoot him once in a place that would ensure immediate death. The conservative side argued that his whole face and head should be riddled with bullets, with absolute disregard for conservation. There have already been 8 assassination attempts on the corpse, but it is under protective custody and all attempts have failed horribly (thanks to some old fashioned bear traps and a few strategically placed banana peels). There are mass riots and protests outside the white house, even a few police shootings which resulted in death. Whether the left or right side wins this argument, I think it's safe to say that the .5% of America who "Just don't give a flying fuck" are pretty anxious to just get it all over with. And of course, we can't forget the last .5% who think that the pope should be stuffed with sweets and used as a pinata for a little mexican boy whos parents were too poor to afford a birthday party for him. Whatever happens, the pope is sure to go through some form of physical abuse, assuming the devil doesn't possess him first.
  • Feb 26, 2005
    NEWS FLASH!! Anti-Flag is a fucking stupid band. I don't mind if people diss Crass, but you better have a good fucking reason for doing so. To say someone's art sucks without giving any reasons just shows how much YOU suck, not the ones being criticized. So fuck Anti-Flag, fuck their shitty monotone three-chord music, and fuck anyone who hates me for writing this.
  • Feb 8, 2005
    Hoo-fucking-ray!! A new design!! I redid the design, did some photo editing, made things more aesthetically pleasing (or at least I hope so). Now maybe I'll attract more people or something.
  • Feb 7, 2005
    Guess what...I added more to the art section. A whole new SUB section!! Feel free to NOT go there, as it is forbidden (by me), and anybody who does go there will have there IP logged and I will be forced to take legal action against them, and have them recommended for castration or death by firing squad. You've been warned.
  • Jan 23, 2005
    WHOA news flash news flash!! Everyone check the hate mail section, apparently I got punk all wrong!! (or the satirist got satirrrd)
  • Jan 4, 2005
    changed around hate mail (newest entries at top, new responses added and old ones i never added but saved for some odd reason). also i updated this news entry.
  • Jan 2, 2005
    happy new year. i changed some stuff in the regular punk & hardcore punk sections. still havent gotten a reply from tara in the hate mail section (bwak bwak bgawwwk). uhh i dont have much to write. oh, everyone wish courtney luck, shes getting her lip pierced...and wish me luck too, i have to go back to school tomorrow.
  • Dec 29, 2004
    fuck, its late (or early, depending how you look at it). uhh i added a thuper new hate mail. i figure i might as well respond to them from now on to be just like maddox. the concept of hate mail was just soooo beyond me that i had to copy maddox, and now to copy him even more, i actually added a response. if this dumb bitch hadnt been so stupid, things would be the exact same they were before, so everyone has tara ([email protected]) to thank for being a total moron. thanks, moron.
  • Dec 19, 2004
    Added stuff to sk8 punk section...special thanks to Aaron from texas for the suggestion. He proves that fros can be punk too.
  • Dec 15, 2004
    I changed a certain section that nobody ever read and replaced it with a note on anarchy (changed link to the big anarchy signs directly to your left). I also added a note in the How to be Punk section. Enjoy.
  • Dec 9, 2004
    Hey, took out sad truth section. I figured there was no point in explaining things on a satirical website. Not to mention that you can't really define something like punk. It's more fun not knowing what it is. Truth is, it doesn't really matter, form your own god damned opinions, isn't that what it's about?
  • Nov 7, 2004
    Yay! some new graffiti stuff. Check it out (or don't).
  • Oct 25, 2004
    Jeez! I just can't stop uploading shit that not many people will even look at. In case people are interested, I added an art section. There's not much on it now, but I might go through my notebooks and get some sketches/graffiti designs on here. I might actually make some art for this webite! God forbid I do actual work on something. It would appear I've found something that keeps me from sitting on my stupid ass all day. Oh wait, I AM sitting on my stupid ass. Oh well, at least my life isn't as meaningless as yours...I'm not the one looking up websites on how to be punk. Loser.
  • Oct 24, 2004
    Alright, I just uploaded the fuck out of everything. I changed formats for everything, added a bunch for "REALLY real punk" and "sk8 punk". I added some pictures for the punk choice page, and I changed this news entry (derrr).

    EVERYBODY go to Google. Type in "tax cut washington post oct 11" and hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button. Read that. It's about a new tax cut for corporations!! Tax cuts! During a war!! Hmm...
  • Oct 22, 2004
    It's finally here!! Sk8 punk!! Sick of being picked on at the local sk8 park for being a wuss? Now you can finally get some respect!! Follow the easy-to-follow instructions, and you'll be a skate punk in NO TIME!!
  • Oct 20, 2004
    Ok I added a new article under the How to be Punk link. It's called "The sad truth". Make sure you read it. I know the rest of my website is bullshit, but if you really want to be punk, look at that article. All jokes/sarcasm aside, it tells you exactly how to be a true punk. Now you can't say I didn't tell you.
  • Oct 18, 2004
    HEY!! I got MY VERY OWN DOMAIN!! Everyone has my brother to thank for that. I added yet another section too. I blew off the skater punk thing, but we all know how to be a skate punk anyway, so I decided to do the section that really matters. The one that everyone who comes to this site wants to see. The one that tells about the image and fake attitudes of real "punks". Go ahead and live by it, I really don't give a fuck anymore. Soon it won't be cool anymore and you'll be something else. I might as well let you have your ignorant little fun. Yeah well, have at it losers. If you see this one and write me hate mail, no joke, I will fly out there and shove your head so far up your ass it comes out your mouth.
  • Aug 10, 2004
    I added a whole new section today!!!!!!!!!! It's all about how to be a hardcore punk. There's also a new section coming soon (skater punk). Be sure to check out the new section...it's under the How to Be Punk link directly to the left.
  • Jul 25, 2004
    Added a Guestbook...sign it. ALSO, I added a new section (scroll far down to read it) that "addresses" certain "problems" that I have with "certain parties" that feel the need to "quarrel" with me on particular "points of view", so to speak.
  • Mar 19, 2004
    New "examples" and shit in the How to be Punk section, and I added a lot more writing/rules to it. The more rules I add, the easier it is for you to be punk, so be happy I take the time to think this up. Feel free to send me ideas, and if I like it I'll add you to the Thanks section that might come soon if enough people give useable suggestions. Rawk on
  • Mar 3, 2004
    Changed some stuff, and some other stuff. "revised" hate mail section
  • Feb 26, 2004
    Uploaded hate mail section today and took out another part of the site (will anyone notice?)
  • Feb 14, 2004
    Have a happy Valentine's day...I sure won't

    Note: this site have been around longer than valentines day, since about late may of '03 i think.